Anxiety

So I know that I've been lax in posting, already.  I want to explain some things to you that could very well be too personal, but they are going to affect how and when I post and how and what I write, so I'm going to explain it now and get it out of the way.

I hate school.  I shouldn't say that, because I really do love knowledge and learning, but I hate the pressure school puts on you to worry about what's coming next.  If there were a way that I could live without constantly feeling like I'm going to explode with anxiety about what will happen a few days, weeks, years from now, I'd take it.  The future fills me with such anxiety.  It's something that I am working on, and am managing better, but in recent years, it has caused me to do very poorly in my academic life.  You may think, "Well maybe you shouldn't be going abroad," or "How will this really have to do with writing a simple study abroad advice blog?"

I understand these concerns and queries, because I have had friends ask them of me.  I have had friends tell me that I am just running away from the problem and that I should stand and face it, but I really believe quite a few of those people just don't want me to go (and that is flattering, so thank you).  I am not doing this for them, I am not doing this for school, I am not doing this for my resume, I am not even doing this for you guys.  I am doing this for me.

I have never been alone.  I chose Alabama, a place I literally ran from in high school, to go to college because I had a "best friend" that wanted to be with me again. And I love you, Colonel, but college sucked that first year, because we didn't make the best best friends.  I made a choice based off of the fear of meeting new people and the fear of not having enough money to go somewhere I really wanted.  And even though I know my parents thank me for that decision, financially, I want to experience the sensation of going somewhere where everything is new.  I know no one.  I don't know the area.  I don't have any idea of what to expect. Hell, I don't even know what classes I am taking, but I don't care.  I want this.  I want it so bad I cry with excitement, and fear.

As my family and friends I know you love and care about me. So give me your advice, give me your quizzical looks, but give me your support too.  Because you do care about me and want to see me become a better version of the me you say you love so much.

I may be overcompensating for not having a "real" freshman year.  I may be making one of the biggest mistakes of my college career and possibly life.  I may not love it as much as I want to, in fact, I could loathe it completely.  But help me push through.  Please, I beg you.  Just be there. No judgement or guilt or jealousy.  Because I don't know that I'll be able to take it without being close enough to soothe your fears or have you hold my hand through my own.  I am taking a leap of faith here, give me something to land on.

Try to remember this for me if I call you fretting.