People are weird...

Well, they've been acting weird at least.  My close friends and family have been acting somewhat strange around me.  Like they'll never see me again once I go abroad, and I kind of have mixed feelings about this. There is a part of me that always wants to be close to them, to be able to reach out and grasp their hand when I need to.  Another part of me always wants to distance myself, wants to be able to strike out, untethered, on my own and live a life that I make for myself.  I think those people who know me best get this.

Part of my going to Wales, going abroad, getting away from everyone and anything I've known before, is to make myself depend solely on my own ability.  I've never done this.  I've had moments of this, yes.  Maybe in athletics or school or some other such thing that seemed like it all depended on me, but in every one of those moments I had someone there waiting to pick up my slack or goad me into keeping it up or working harder.  I couldn't do anything without all the people that have been apart of my life.  Alas, it's the curse of humanity: no accomplishment is ever just your own.

But my family (close friends are definitely in this category) knows me. They know that when I get a taste of freedom, I'll be off, I'll want more. I won't stop loving them, but maybe I'll take them for granted. Maybe I'll forget to call, maybe I'll forget a birthday: I am a very forgetful person.  I seem to be getting better at this seeing as how I am trying to talk to my friends that are back in Fresno, but I feel that I would be more peaceful without people that I feel obligated to communicate with (again, in humanity, communication is necessary to survival, and friends are better than strangers).

But this step in my life isn't about escaping those obligations, or those people, because I love each and every one of them with my whole heart - even if that seems impossible.  Going to Aber is about stepping out on faith: faith in God and what he has planned, and faith in myself that I can follow his plan and push through the pain and the fear.  I'm excited to challenge myself this way again.  I know that I have lost my discipline to challenge myself and make it happen, but I want this so badly.  I will admit to my loved ones that I am terrified. I don't know what will happen to me over there, but I pray that my life will reflect God's plan for me and that I can do his will.

Love y'all,
Jessa