Gyres

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately.  Finding new ones, rediscovering the old, getting into just observing.  I really want a full-fledged, professional blog.  I want it more than anything at the moment.  I know that this desire springs from my love of writing and getting all the jumbled thoughts in my head out onto paper and organized.  But there is problem with this, right now.  It is paradoxical that I am writing about it, but this thought doesn't fit into my issue.

My problem is that I am learning how to order my thoughts in my head, without talking them out or writing them down (the topic I am writing down here, is still jumbled in my head, perhaps because of the day I've had).  I feel that I know what I want to do, but I don't know how to motivate myself to begin it.  I hate that.  I hate this feeling of anxiety and fear, just after I get excited about my hopes and dreams. I am losing my interest in my academia, I am losing heart and drive in the "work" I am supposed to be doing.  I feel useless, like I am not contributing to anything.  What does a student do? Nothing, I have no independence, and too much fear of the cage I feel myself being placed in.

Like I said in my last post, I want to write and I want to be free.  I hate that I don't feel free.  But what can be done in this society that is fulfilling and freeing without a degree? I don't have the drive of an entrepreneur or the creativity of so many of the people in the world that can just make it on their own.  I don't know.

This post is probably not even written well, and I truly don't care.  I don't care about anything anymore.  It is so easy to walk away until things are said and done and then I have this paralyzing fear.  I am dying.  I am sinking into the anxiety and depression that has pulled me in so many times before.  I wonder if that affects all these dreams.  I wonder if they are where this starts or propels from. I hate this.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I just want to be free.

How I feel right now.